AngerFlex
A Flexible Approach to Anger Mastery
Hi, I am the culprit behind AngerFlex and I just wanted to take a minute to introduce myself and tell you a little about what I’m doing here.
My name is Mike Kirkeberg, and as I think about it, beyond that talking about myself is not really my strong suit.
I, more or less, stumbled into the “anger business” about 15 or so years ago. I was working in the calaboose. It wasn’t the first time I’d been in a jail, just the first time I was on the right side of trouble. As a matter of fact, there was a point in my life where I resided in the very confines in which I was then working. That’s a story for another time.
Good time, huh? I have both fond and not-so-fond memories of those times. It wasn’t all bad. I met some of the people I still see regularly there and most of them aren’t former inmates!
Check the sidebar and you will find a link to my LinkedIn profile, where you can find a crapload of other things about the life and times of me. It isn’t all that exciting.
By the way, you can find more about me on LinkedIn. Once you are there, sign up with my AngerFlex Group. It’s new, thus bare bones at the moment, but expect things to show up there as time goes on.
Let’s Go Out in the Barn and Put On a Show
A group of those above mentioned friends came to me and said there was a paucity of “anger management” resources available in the community and suggested I start one. Entrepreneurial spirit that I am, I said, “What the hell, why not?”
When I began, it literally felt like the old Our Gang comedies when Darla would say to Spanky or Alfalfa, “Let’s go put on a show in the barn.” Recalling those old movies, I was always befuddled how the barn always had a stage and a bunch of chairs for the audience.
Moving right along. I knew little about anger and still figured, well, how hard could it be?
The Journey is the Thing
Little did I know that I would still be doing this so long after. And that I would learn so much from so many people along the way. I probably read every book in existence that related to anger, from traditional anger management books, to Buddhist approaches to anger, to Aikido approaches to conflict.
And over the years, I noticed something. Of all the people I worked with (clients and others), I don’t think I’ve seen more than a handful become noticeably less angry. The few that did, I’ve never been sure they fit the bill too well in the first place. Anger is part of us all, and it is everywhere.
Anger Made Me Do It
Truth is, anger is only a feeling. I began to think that telling people they had to manage their anger in order to change was a big mistake. A couple of years ago, here in Minneapolis, there were a number of shootings, done mostly by young men. One of the talking heads in the community was quoted in the StarTribune saying that something had to be done about the anger of these young men in order for it to stop.
Stop Anger?
That statement stopped me in my tracks. If I were one of these young men, the “logical” thinking would go something like this:
“I have to manage my anger so that I won’t be violent. That must mean that anger causes me to be violent. Well, I’ve tried to get rid of my anger. I really have. And it’s still here. So, I don’t really have any choice but to shoot someone, because my anger makes me do it.”
Or something to that effect. It seemed so simple. If anger is part of life – everyone gets angry at some time – and most people don’t go around shooting people, then the problem isn’t the anger. It’s the behavior.
Drinking Doesn’t Make Drunk Drivers
Saying anger is the cause of aggression is like saying that drinking alcohol causes people to drive drunk. Even with that group or the people that represent them, the response there would be they couldn’t help it, they have a disease. Sorry, for starters, the jury is out on the whole disease aspect. However that comes out, have you ever known a disease hand someone a set of car keys?
No, what needs to stop is the behavior.
Enter AngerFlex
Over the years, the ideas behind AngerFlex have come together. They are based on
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An approach called Acceptance and Commitment Training with the goal is to help people develop psychological flexibility.
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Mindfulness Practice to put some wiggle room between a person and his or her thoughts and feelings; and on
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The idea of Response-Ability.
These takes need to control anger out of the equation. Whatever a person feels, said person is always responsible for his or her choices in behavior.
It’s what a person does that makes a difference.
Feelings come along for the ride.
You can read about the essence of AngerFlex in the “What is AngerFlex?” series of posts.
Going On Line
In the past year, I became ill. Not to belabor the point, but I don’t have any idea what the outcome of this illness will be. It has, however, severely limited my ability to continue doing AngerFlex Classes in person.
To take my own words, it doesn’t matter how I feel, there are a lot of people that suffer from anger and it’s consequences. And this is an educational model that is made to be on line that I am betting can help a lot of folks. There is evidence that online training and education courses are as (or more) effective than in person classwork.
Thus AngerFlex comes into being. This ia a living educational offering and will evolve as you my readers, and the students and participants evolve it. So stick around and I’ll do my best to bring you the best education possible.
My book, Dropping the Rope: A Flexible Approach to Anger Mastery is near completion. If you would like to be informed of the progress of that project and get the AngerFlex Newsletter, please sign up below. You will get the first look at chapters in the book, and a discount when it is published.
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photo credit: Nikolai O.
